Loving Smart

Zane, my five-year-old son, started Kindergarten in August this year. At his school, they teach Multiple Intelligences in every grade. In Kindergarten, they call the different types of intelligences “smarts,” so kids can be number smart and music smart and people smart and self smart. There are about eight “official” kinds of “smarts.”

In September, I was walking past Zane’s room after I had put him to bed and I heard a noise in his room, so I stopped outside his door and listened to him talking to himself in the dark. He was counting by tens from 10 to 100. When he got to 100, he said to himself, all proud and pleased, “Wow. I’m number smart!”

In December, a few nights before I flew to LA for class, I was putting Zane to bed. We had already read a book and we were lying together in his “Go, Diego, Go!” toddler bed with the lights out, just hanging out together for a few minutes. I said, “Zane, are you still number smart?” Immediately he answered, “Yes!” So, I asked, “What other kinds of smart are you?” He thought about it a moment and said, “I’m writing smart.” “Yep,“ I said. “And I’m coloring smart.” “Mmmm hmmm. Are you any other kind of smart?” He thought for another moment and said, “I’m loving smart. That’s the first one I learned.” I was silent for a moment, taking that one in. Then I asked, “Where did you learn that one?” “From loving you,” was his immediate, nonchalant reply.

Wow. I was a little stunned. I loved this on so many levels. First, he knew he was “loving” smart. That’s awesome. I don’t think I’m loving smart! Second, he learned it by doing it, through his experience of loving. Nobody "taught" him how to do it. He just did it. Third, he learned it on his own. For free. As a kid. I was spending a lot of money as an adult to re-learn the same thing at USM! Finally, he learned it by loving me, his mom. What a beautiful and natural thing to do.

Immediately, part of me rebelled against the last realization. What had I done to deserve this pure, innocent love? I wasn’t worthy of this huge honor! And, boom, there was my curriculum for the weekend.

When I went to lunch with two beautiful friends on Saturday, the bartender couldn’t stop staring at them. In fact, it looked like he was watching a tennis match the way his head kept moving from the face of one to face of the other. I don’t fit in here, with these beautiful women.

On Sunday, my teacher Mary reminded us that our outer relationships are mirrors of our inner relationships. That afternoon, I was in a trio with one of the most beautiful women in our class. Which put me right back into feeling like I don’t fit in when I’m with beautiful women. As is the USM way, I looked at my inner relationships to see where I wasn’t loving myself, where I wasn’t seeing my own beauty. After I recognized and released the judgments I had made against myself, I had a new insight: how I look is not my beauty. Who I am is my beauty. My essence is my beauty. I realized that I had only been conditionally loving myself. When I let go of my need to look a certain way in order to deserve love it somehow became easy to love myself just the way I am right now.

I thought about Zane all through the weekend. He learned about loving through his experience of loving. This weekend, I learned that I am loving smart, too. Like Zane, I’m learning that by loving me.

This, too, shall pass - November weekend 2010

My word for the November weekend is "finite." This program will end. It is finite.

In November 2009, two years stretched out in front of me into an unimaginably long future. I was already tired of traveling to LA and flying and going through airport security. My eyes were already tired from all the reading. I still wasn't even sure that the program would work out. I wasn't fully committed yet. I'd probably finish the first year but I seriously thought I might not make it through the entire two years. Graduation seemed so, so far away.

Now, in November 2010, I find myself wanting the program to last longer. Each weekend I meet amazing new people that I want to get to know. The weekends go so fast, it feels like there's not enough time to get to hang out with my friends, let alone get to know all the fascinating new people. With only a handful of breaks each weekend, there really isn't time.

Only seven more weekends. I'm past the halfway point. Only seven more weekends. It seems so final. So limited.

When I first applied to USM, I had a goal that was hard for people to grasp. What was I going to do with this degree? Nothing. I'm not going to USM to be able to do anything different. I'm going there to be different. My friends who are USM graduates have a palpably different way of being in the world. They use different words. They ask different questions. They seem to have a totally different take on any situation. I wanted a new way of being in the world, too.

Maybe that's why November hit me so concretely. Only seven months left to transform myself into a new way of being in the world. Is that enough time? Can I do it? Sure, each weekend has its breakthroughs and lessons. Each month has its new insights and deeper awarenesses. Each one adds onto the others. There is a cumulative effect. Small changes that are unnoticeable in themselves add up to perceptible differences over time. I've been chipping away. But do I have a new way of being yet? Am I on track to have one in the next seven months?

I don't know.

The countdown has begun.I know that transformation is not a linear event. It's a process. It unfolds in fits and starts. It has waves and crescendos and "aha" moments. It has its own agenda. It will happen as it happens.

Meanwhile, I read my books, I do my homework, I keep showing up. It's really all I can do.

I'm committed to USM. I'm sticking it out. I'll be there at graduation to see if I've attained my goal.

I just wish it would take a little bit longer.