This, too, shall pass - November weekend 2010

My word for the November weekend is "finite." This program will end. It is finite.

In November 2009, two years stretched out in front of me into an unimaginably long future. I was already tired of traveling to LA and flying and going through airport security. My eyes were already tired from all the reading. I still wasn't even sure that the program would work out. I wasn't fully committed yet. I'd probably finish the first year but I seriously thought I might not make it through the entire two years. Graduation seemed so, so far away.

Now, in November 2010, I find myself wanting the program to last longer. Each weekend I meet amazing new people that I want to get to know. The weekends go so fast, it feels like there's not enough time to get to hang out with my friends, let alone get to know all the fascinating new people. With only a handful of breaks each weekend, there really isn't time.

Only seven more weekends. I'm past the halfway point. Only seven more weekends. It seems so final. So limited.

When I first applied to USM, I had a goal that was hard for people to grasp. What was I going to do with this degree? Nothing. I'm not going to USM to be able to do anything different. I'm going there to be different. My friends who are USM graduates have a palpably different way of being in the world. They use different words. They ask different questions. They seem to have a totally different take on any situation. I wanted a new way of being in the world, too.

Maybe that's why November hit me so concretely. Only seven months left to transform myself into a new way of being in the world. Is that enough time? Can I do it? Sure, each weekend has its breakthroughs and lessons. Each month has its new insights and deeper awarenesses. Each one adds onto the others. There is a cumulative effect. Small changes that are unnoticeable in themselves add up to perceptible differences over time. I've been chipping away. But do I have a new way of being yet? Am I on track to have one in the next seven months?

I don't know.

The countdown has begun.I know that transformation is not a linear event. It's a process. It unfolds in fits and starts. It has waves and crescendos and "aha" moments. It has its own agenda. It will happen as it happens.

Meanwhile, I read my books, I do my homework, I keep showing up. It's really all I can do.

I'm committed to USM. I'm sticking it out. I'll be there at graduation to see if I've attained my goal.

I just wish it would take a little bit longer.