Saturday was a very powerful day for me at USM this month. I still felt that vague, raw feeling but now it was topped off with the sense that I wasn't to be trusted, that somewhere in my past I'd betrayed myself. Things were pretty murky!
In the first exercise of the day, I shared my current experience of feeling completely inadequate and unable to fulfill my dreams. I had never articulated these goals out loud, and it was very hard to say the words now, but I recognized my two reasons for coming to USM were 1) to regain that feeling that I had had as a little kid of being directly connected to God and able to talk to God and angels, and 2) to make real my childhood dream of talking with dolphins (by which I mean conversations in which they understand me and I can understand them and there is a real exchange, a dialog, a shared connection, a meeting of minds - call it psychic, call it intuitive, call it soul-to-soul, whatever you want). I felt like I needed to achieve the first goal before the second could happen because I felt like that kind of communication was a spiritual endeavor.
In the same moment that I articulated these goals, I knew, with deep conviction, that I would fail. Of the 270 students in the room, I was confident that 269 of them would reach their goals and that I would completely fail. "It's a pipe dream." "It'll never happen." "You can't do that." These were the words that I heard inside my head.
Six months earlier, last June at an On Course I workshop, I had drawn a picture of my dreams. When the exercise began I had no idea what I would draw, but then I felt that dolphin energy swirling around me and in my mind's eye, I saw a close-up picture of a dolphin's face. All I could see was the side of his face, part of his slightly-open mouth, his melon, and his eye. Where the pupil should have been, I saw a black shape - an outline of me standing with my arms stretched above my head. I clearly heard the words "We've got you in our sights." And that is what I drew that night when asked to draw my dreams.
I thought of this picture now, and I remembered the feeling I'd had this morning of being surrounded by dolphin energy. And the comforting message that the dolphins have me in their sights.
Later that afternoon, I got the opportunity to explore the connection between trusting myself and failing to achieve my goals. I looked far back into my early childhood and remembered not being believed when I told someone in my family that I was talking to God and the angels when I was about 5 years old. This was a regular thing for me and I thought everyone could do it. I was surprised that my ability to do it was denied and I was told to stop making stuff up and that I was imagining things. Today at USM I realized that I had, in my infinite 5 year old wisdom, I decided that I could not be myself and be loved and accepted in my family. I realized that I had to reject this part of me in order to fit in. (Not ignore it or keep it secret, but reject it completely.) And so I did. In my current exploration of my memories of the past, I realized that I felt like I had completely betrayed myself when I did that. (See why I can't trust myself? Clearly, I'm not to be trusted.)
Once I recognized these feelings, thoughts and beliefs, I decided to re-accept and embrace that spiritual/psychic part of myself that I had been hiding and denying for 40 years. I forgave myself for ever buying into the belief (that I had created) that I had to deny myself to the world in order to receive acceptance and love from others. What a feeling of power and relief and peace! (Five year olds should not be running the world!) As the exercise concluded, I felt like I was glowing - with peace and love and acceptance rippling through me. It was a truly wonderful feeling.
(Interestingly enough, in this exercise I also had the same deep longing for time alone, time to just be with myself, time to rediscover who I am by just being that I had felt the night before.)
That evening, I said a little prayer before going to sleep: Dear God, given my gifts, my talents, my abilities, and my heartfelt desires, please show me how I can be of service and how you would use me.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
December at USM - Day 1
I arrived in LA Friday afternoon feeling a bit unsettled. I'd had the feeling all week. Hard to define, hard to even notice, but it was there, just under the surface. I felt a little raw with a vague sense of something coming up, but no idea of what it was.
Our topic Friday night was cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude. Ron and Mary began the session by quoting Ram Dass ("If you think you're enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving") and reminding us that we each have a choice in how we interpret any situation. We can see our issues as problems or as blessings.
In two different trios, we practiced re-framing our issues as blessings or opportunities. My issue that evening was feeling like a failure because I couldn't "fix" my work situation. I felt that I was letting others down and that they would judge me for it. I was afraid that I'd lose opportunities for future work if I weren't in that position any more. I realized that those "others" were not the real issue. I was judging myself and I got so sick of being stuck in that rigid, judgmental place. I realized that my opportunity is to trust myself to make the right decisions for me right now. As I looked deeper, I realized that this was the real issue for me - trusting myself.
I finished the exercise with a deep sense of wanting some alone time to explore and experience the USM curriculum with no pressure to have a job or make money or do anything. But there was that nagging sense of not being able to trust myself to make the right decision for myself. I wasn't sure where that was coming from, but it was very much there as I left USM, went home and got ready for bed.
I slept fitfully that night after waiting a long time to get to sleep. But when I woke up, I felt surrounded by dolphin energy. It was like there were dolphins in the room swimming all around me. It felt just like the old days swimming with dolphins while doing research in the Bahamas - it's an unmistakable feeeling to have swirling around you. I wallowed in the energy for several minutes until it faded away and it was time for me to get up and get ready for Day 2 of the weekend.
Our topic Friday night was cultivating an Attitude of Gratitude. Ron and Mary began the session by quoting Ram Dass ("If you think you're enlightened, go home for Thanksgiving") and reminding us that we each have a choice in how we interpret any situation. We can see our issues as problems or as blessings.
In two different trios, we practiced re-framing our issues as blessings or opportunities. My issue that evening was feeling like a failure because I couldn't "fix" my work situation. I felt that I was letting others down and that they would judge me for it. I was afraid that I'd lose opportunities for future work if I weren't in that position any more. I realized that those "others" were not the real issue. I was judging myself and I got so sick of being stuck in that rigid, judgmental place. I realized that my opportunity is to trust myself to make the right decisions for me right now. As I looked deeper, I realized that this was the real issue for me - trusting myself.
I finished the exercise with a deep sense of wanting some alone time to explore and experience the USM curriculum with no pressure to have a job or make money or do anything. But there was that nagging sense of not being able to trust myself to make the right decision for myself. I wasn't sure where that was coming from, but it was very much there as I left USM, went home and got ready for bed.
I slept fitfully that night after waiting a long time to get to sleep. But when I woke up, I felt surrounded by dolphin energy. It was like there were dolphins in the room swimming all around me. It felt just like the old days swimming with dolphins while doing research in the Bahamas - it's an unmistakable feeeling to have swirling around you. I wallowed in the energy for several minutes until it faded away and it was time for me to get up and get ready for Day 2 of the weekend.
Sunday, January 24, 2010
My Second USM Weekend
My second weekend at USM was a lot like my first. Things went smoothly logistically. I met more great people and had a great time going deeper into the philosophy of Spiritual Psychology.
We learned about how Stackers set up our life lessons based on our own, unique curriculum and our previous responses to our earlier lessons. We learned how pervasive judgments and upsets are in our lives and how the word "because" (as in "I'm upset because...") can lead us to new levels of spiritual healing.
My take home lessons this month:
First, everyone has a purpose and we have two choices - to go toward it or to avoid it. If you choose to avoid your purpose, you don't get to experience the fullness of life.
Second, completing incomplete cycles of action can free up more energy to give to moving closer to your purpose and your ideal life.
Third, "responsibility" is the ability to respond within your self. We are each 100% responsible for anything that goes on inside of us, which means that there is no more blaming or pointing fingers anywhere else. Our reactions, thoughts, judgments, issues are ours and ours alone.
And finally, my teachers say that you've resolved the issues you've resolved and that work is done. USM is the place where any unresolved issues will come forward to be healed for the last time.
I've already experienced the last lesson and welcome the new issues that will come up for me to resolve over the next two years.
We learned about how Stackers set up our life lessons based on our own, unique curriculum and our previous responses to our earlier lessons. We learned how pervasive judgments and upsets are in our lives and how the word "because" (as in "I'm upset because...") can lead us to new levels of spiritual healing.
My take home lessons this month:
First, everyone has a purpose and we have two choices - to go toward it or to avoid it. If you choose to avoid your purpose, you don't get to experience the fullness of life.
Second, completing incomplete cycles of action can free up more energy to give to moving closer to your purpose and your ideal life.
Third, "responsibility" is the ability to respond within your self. We are each 100% responsible for anything that goes on inside of us, which means that there is no more blaming or pointing fingers anywhere else. Our reactions, thoughts, judgments, issues are ours and ours alone.
And finally, my teachers say that you've resolved the issues you've resolved and that work is done. USM is the place where any unresolved issues will come forward to be healed for the last time.
I've already experienced the last lesson and welcome the new issues that will come up for me to resolve over the next two years.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My First Lesson Tested
Two weeks after my first surprising meeting with my boss and our dean, I walked into our follow-up meeting like a blank slate. I had no idea what to expect. I had healed my issue with love and attention and now I wasn't quite sure what the real situation was. Was I fired? Was there still a job for me? I had no idea because I was so triggered during that meeting that I couldn't objectively evaluate the situation.
The meeting was an interesting one. It started with their proposal for a new job description for me: as On Course Coordinator for the college, they still wanted me to lead the faculty and staff development in On Course, teach the new On Course class I had developed for students and teach the one-hour On Course workshops for students that I had co-created over the last two semesters. The job description included almost everything that I had been doing already. The only change was that my position would be kind of pieced together with a stipend for coordinating On Course and regular associate faculty pay for student workshops and classes instead of being a single hourly position in CAS (the Center for Academic Success). I would set my own hours and have projects to work on. It was exactly what I wanted! The second major change in my position was that I would no longer report to my current boss. In fact, she pointed out that she never wanted to be alone in a room with me.
Those are the facts of the meeting, but the more interesting part for me was how I felt: fine. I was no longer angry, upset or anything. My boss was still angry at me and wouldn't look directly at me during the meeting. Whenever she spoke to me, her anger came to the surface. I saw clearly that we had both been inadvertently triggered by the other. Because I had cleared my trigger, I wasn't upset anymore. She hadn't done the healing work on herself and she was still very triggered. I was able to remain neutral and clear-headed throughout the entire hour-long meeting. I knew that although my soon-to-be former boss and I would never be alone together, we would be working together on various college committee in the future, so I asked if my boss would be willing to resolve the original issue, whatever it was. She refused. I persisted and finally she admitted that she thought I had filled out a travel form incorrectly last June. Although she still insisted that she didn't want to resolve the issue but wanted to just move forward, I got her and our dean to agree that if we could resolve the question about the form we would. And then the hour was up and the meeting ended.
So, I left that meeting feeling the victory of the deep healing I had done the week before. (Thanks to USM and Skip for gently nudging me in that direction!) In a situation that had all the elements that had triggered me before, I had remained neutral and un-triggered. I was able to be present and aware and communicate clearly and honestly in the moment. This was a big deal for me! Plus, the proposal for my new job description validated the excellent job I do. I was experiencing the payoff for doing the emotional work on myself and it felt great.
[Note: I've had two more meetings with my boss and I remained untriggered and neutral in both while she was still very angry at me during both meetings. And this is not because I am trying to be neutral or that I am such a great person or anything like that. It's simply that the triggers that used to be there are gone and their departure appears to be permanent.]
The meeting was an interesting one. It started with their proposal for a new job description for me: as On Course Coordinator for the college, they still wanted me to lead the faculty and staff development in On Course, teach the new On Course class I had developed for students and teach the one-hour On Course workshops for students that I had co-created over the last two semesters. The job description included almost everything that I had been doing already. The only change was that my position would be kind of pieced together with a stipend for coordinating On Course and regular associate faculty pay for student workshops and classes instead of being a single hourly position in CAS (the Center for Academic Success). I would set my own hours and have projects to work on. It was exactly what I wanted! The second major change in my position was that I would no longer report to my current boss. In fact, she pointed out that she never wanted to be alone in a room with me.
Those are the facts of the meeting, but the more interesting part for me was how I felt: fine. I was no longer angry, upset or anything. My boss was still angry at me and wouldn't look directly at me during the meeting. Whenever she spoke to me, her anger came to the surface. I saw clearly that we had both been inadvertently triggered by the other. Because I had cleared my trigger, I wasn't upset anymore. She hadn't done the healing work on herself and she was still very triggered. I was able to remain neutral and clear-headed throughout the entire hour-long meeting. I knew that although my soon-to-be former boss and I would never be alone together, we would be working together on various college committee in the future, so I asked if my boss would be willing to resolve the original issue, whatever it was. She refused. I persisted and finally she admitted that she thought I had filled out a travel form incorrectly last June. Although she still insisted that she didn't want to resolve the issue but wanted to just move forward, I got her and our dean to agree that if we could resolve the question about the form we would. And then the hour was up and the meeting ended.
So, I left that meeting feeling the victory of the deep healing I had done the week before. (Thanks to USM and Skip for gently nudging me in that direction!) In a situation that had all the elements that had triggered me before, I had remained neutral and un-triggered. I was able to be present and aware and communicate clearly and honestly in the moment. This was a big deal for me! Plus, the proposal for my new job description validated the excellent job I do. I was experiencing the payoff for doing the emotional work on myself and it felt great.
[Note: I've had two more meetings with my boss and I remained untriggered and neutral in both while she was still very angry at me during both meetings. And this is not because I am trying to be neutral or that I am such a great person or anything like that. It's simply that the triggers that used to be there are gone and their departure appears to be permanent.]
Friday, January 15, 2010
My Curriculum Begins
It's two weeks after my first weekend at USM and things are going smoothly. I'm doing the assigned reading (there's lots!) and creating my ideal scenes for my homework. Suddenly, my school is in session.
At a regular weekly meeting with my boss and her supervisor, I am shocked to discover that my boss has been mad at me for weeks about something that I did that I thought was totally okay (I arranged a substitute for a workshop in case my daughter's field trip went long and I couldn't make it back to school in time to teach it). Unbeknownst to me, my boss and her supervisor have decided that I am not dedicated to my job because of this. My boss tells me that my contract ends in December and that she will allow me to finish out the time on my contract but that I no longer have any duties in the Center for Academic Success. The three of us discuss the situation for a while and start discussing next semester, but I am really in shock and literally can't register the words that are being said. We agree to meet in a week or two to follow up.
A week later, I am recalling the meeting to my friend Skip and I realize that I am still angry about it. As a USM grad himself, he reminds me that at USM they teach that underneath anger is a hurt. "So, if I find the hurt then the anger will go away?" I ask him. "Sounds good to me," he replies.
I have no idea what my hurt is and I don't really give it much conscious thought. But 3 days later, as I'm dropping Lexi off at her school I have the strangest thought: I'm afraid that my boss will stop loving me. This idea is so outlandish that I stop in my tracks and wonder about it. What could it possibly mean? The thoughts are knocking around in the back of my mind as I drive to Butte College and drop Zane off at his school. It's about 40 minutes later and by now I've figured that crazy thought out and emotions are welling up inside me. It's all I can do to keep from crying as I leave Zane's school and walk to my car.
I whip out my cell phone as tears start to fall down my face. I reach Chris at work and tell him, "I figured out what my hurt is!" I then proceed to explain to him about my crazy thought at Lexi's school and how I realize that when I was 8 years old I watched my parents disagreeing and fighting. When they separated, my dad moved out of the house. I put the two things together and, in my eight-year-old wisdom, I created the belief that if anyone disagrees with my dad, he stops loving them and the relationship ends. I had recognized this two years earlier in my interactions with my dad, and saw how I had played this pattern out with past boyfriends, but this was the first time that I recognized that I had generalized this belief to everyone and everything: if I disagree with anyone they will stop loving me and will leave me and the relationship will be over.
On the phone with Chris, I share my realizations and re-live all the pent-up emotions surrounding the night that my parents told me and my sister that they were getting a divorce. I re-lived my deep sadness and loved and accepted all the feelings that I had then but had buried deep inside of me. I felt the sadness of loss and the fear of being left, as well as a deep, deep feeling of being unworthy of my parents' love, time and attention. Chris listened deeply and openly and loved and accepted me as I went through the experience as well as honored the feelings that I had had as a child. I also loved and accepted myself and my feelings then and now and honored (and released) the pain I had been carrying around with me. Together, our love healed that deep, old hurt within me.
Thus, I experienced another of the lessons from USM: healing is applying love to places inside us that hurt. Although it was really sucky at the time to feel all those strong emotions (and it took a couple days for my body to physically process everything), the feeling of freedom and release and openness on the other side is AWESOME!
NEXT: What happened at the follow-up meeting?
At a regular weekly meeting with my boss and her supervisor, I am shocked to discover that my boss has been mad at me for weeks about something that I did that I thought was totally okay (I arranged a substitute for a workshop in case my daughter's field trip went long and I couldn't make it back to school in time to teach it). Unbeknownst to me, my boss and her supervisor have decided that I am not dedicated to my job because of this. My boss tells me that my contract ends in December and that she will allow me to finish out the time on my contract but that I no longer have any duties in the Center for Academic Success. The three of us discuss the situation for a while and start discussing next semester, but I am really in shock and literally can't register the words that are being said. We agree to meet in a week or two to follow up.
A week later, I am recalling the meeting to my friend Skip and I realize that I am still angry about it. As a USM grad himself, he reminds me that at USM they teach that underneath anger is a hurt. "So, if I find the hurt then the anger will go away?" I ask him. "Sounds good to me," he replies.
I have no idea what my hurt is and I don't really give it much conscious thought. But 3 days later, as I'm dropping Lexi off at her school I have the strangest thought: I'm afraid that my boss will stop loving me. This idea is so outlandish that I stop in my tracks and wonder about it. What could it possibly mean? The thoughts are knocking around in the back of my mind as I drive to Butte College and drop Zane off at his school. It's about 40 minutes later and by now I've figured that crazy thought out and emotions are welling up inside me. It's all I can do to keep from crying as I leave Zane's school and walk to my car.
I whip out my cell phone as tears start to fall down my face. I reach Chris at work and tell him, "I figured out what my hurt is!" I then proceed to explain to him about my crazy thought at Lexi's school and how I realize that when I was 8 years old I watched my parents disagreeing and fighting. When they separated, my dad moved out of the house. I put the two things together and, in my eight-year-old wisdom, I created the belief that if anyone disagrees with my dad, he stops loving them and the relationship ends. I had recognized this two years earlier in my interactions with my dad, and saw how I had played this pattern out with past boyfriends, but this was the first time that I recognized that I had generalized this belief to everyone and everything: if I disagree with anyone they will stop loving me and will leave me and the relationship will be over.
On the phone with Chris, I share my realizations and re-live all the pent-up emotions surrounding the night that my parents told me and my sister that they were getting a divorce. I re-lived my deep sadness and loved and accepted all the feelings that I had then but had buried deep inside of me. I felt the sadness of loss and the fear of being left, as well as a deep, deep feeling of being unworthy of my parents' love, time and attention. Chris listened deeply and openly and loved and accepted me as I went through the experience as well as honored the feelings that I had had as a child. I also loved and accepted myself and my feelings then and now and honored (and released) the pain I had been carrying around with me. Together, our love healed that deep, old hurt within me.
Thus, I experienced another of the lessons from USM: healing is applying love to places inside us that hurt. Although it was really sucky at the time to feel all those strong emotions (and it took a couple days for my body to physically process everything), the feeling of freedom and release and openness on the other side is AWESOME!
NEXT: What happened at the follow-up meeting?
Thursday, January 14, 2010
My First USM Weekend
My first weekend at USM was lovely. I got off the plane, caught an airport shuttle just ready to leave (and met two fellow USM students on the shuttle), and got to my brother Den's house by mid-afternoon. Den and I took a bike ride to Whole Foods and around his Venice neighborhood and hung out and had dinner. He loaned me his car for the weekend and everything went smoothly.
In the very first class, the teachers created a great feel in the room and we started counseling each other, which was a great way to get to know a few of my 269 classmates. I met some great people over the weekend and had a nice time, but nothing was earth-shattering or amazing. It was fine.
One thing we did learn about was USM's view that underneath every anger there is a hurt - some part of us that feels unloved or unworthy or hurt in some way. Underneath that is the Loving, which is our true nature, our Authentic Selves.
After a nice weekend, I headed home, still unsure if this was the place for me. Maybe I was expecting instant enlightenment or bells and whistles or the clouds to part and golden light to rain down and angels to sing. I don't know. All I know is that I had a lovely time, everything went smoothly and easily and even effortlessly. And although I had no great, compelling reason to keep going, there was really no reason not to either. My kids had had a great weekend with Chris, everything went smoothly and easily for him, and nobody was traumatized by my 3.5 day absence.
I guess I'll go back next month.
In the very first class, the teachers created a great feel in the room and we started counseling each other, which was a great way to get to know a few of my 269 classmates. I met some great people over the weekend and had a nice time, but nothing was earth-shattering or amazing. It was fine.
One thing we did learn about was USM's view that underneath every anger there is a hurt - some part of us that feels unloved or unworthy or hurt in some way. Underneath that is the Loving, which is our true nature, our Authentic Selves.
After a nice weekend, I headed home, still unsure if this was the place for me. Maybe I was expecting instant enlightenment or bells and whistles or the clouds to part and golden light to rain down and angels to sing. I don't know. All I know is that I had a lovely time, everything went smoothly and easily and even effortlessly. And although I had no great, compelling reason to keep going, there was really no reason not to either. My kids had had a great weekend with Chris, everything went smoothly and easily for him, and nobody was traumatized by my 3.5 day absence.
I guess I'll go back next month.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
Is this for me? Now?
Getting ready for my first weekend of classes at USM, I had some reservations. Although part of me felt like Harry running through the streets to get to Sally on New Year's Eve in the movie "When Harry Met Sally," I wasn't sure that this was the right thing for me to do right now.
My concerns were:
1. Timing. It makes more sense to wait a year. Then Zane will be in kindergarten and the logistics for where my kids are during the day will be easier. It won't be such a burden on Chris to pick them up Friday afternoon (30 minutes drive out to get Zane before 5pm) and to get them to school on Monday before work at 8:30am. Not only that, but I'd also started a year-long Monday night class in June. Maybe it would be better to wait until that class is over.
2. Money. I cut back my hours from 20 per week to 15 per week this semester. So I am no making less money and adding a monthly expense of $800 - $1000. Nice math!
3. Cold feet. Maybe I'm just not ready. It's kind of a hassle. Do I have time to do the homework? Am I being selfish? Am I overcommitting myself? Why am I really doing this? Do I even know what I want? Is that even achievable? Am I asking too much of my family? Am I deserting my kids? What is "Spiritual Psychology" anyway? It seemed vague and I certainly couldn't define it or even explain to friends and acquaintances who asked me what it was and why I was doing it. And didn't I already have a master's degree and a PhD? What was I going to do with this degree anyway? (My inner critic found lots of ammunition here.)
Most of this was going on inside my head as I packed and drove to the airport and gave last hugs and kisses to my kids and husband. Small tears in my eyes as I said goodbye to my kids, I silently reminded myself that I could stop any time. I'm just going to check it out and see if I want to commit. I was committed to the weekend and so I went forward outwardly clear and strong but inwardly wishy-washy.
My concerns were:
1. Timing. It makes more sense to wait a year. Then Zane will be in kindergarten and the logistics for where my kids are during the day will be easier. It won't be such a burden on Chris to pick them up Friday afternoon (30 minutes drive out to get Zane before 5pm) and to get them to school on Monday before work at 8:30am. Not only that, but I'd also started a year-long Monday night class in June. Maybe it would be better to wait until that class is over.
2. Money. I cut back my hours from 20 per week to 15 per week this semester. So I am no making less money and adding a monthly expense of $800 - $1000. Nice math!
3. Cold feet. Maybe I'm just not ready. It's kind of a hassle. Do I have time to do the homework? Am I being selfish? Am I overcommitting myself? Why am I really doing this? Do I even know what I want? Is that even achievable? Am I asking too much of my family? Am I deserting my kids? What is "Spiritual Psychology" anyway? It seemed vague and I certainly couldn't define it or even explain to friends and acquaintances who asked me what it was and why I was doing it. And didn't I already have a master's degree and a PhD? What was I going to do with this degree anyway? (My inner critic found lots of ammunition here.)
Most of this was going on inside my head as I packed and drove to the airport and gave last hugs and kisses to my kids and husband. Small tears in my eyes as I said goodbye to my kids, I silently reminded myself that I could stop any time. I'm just going to check it out and see if I want to commit. I was committed to the weekend and so I went forward outwardly clear and strong but inwardly wishy-washy.
Monday, January 4, 2010
The Adventure Begins
It's January 4th, 2010, and I've decided to start my very first blog. Over the next few days, I will try to post the highlights of my first 3 months at USM (amazing) and then start adding regular updates as the school year progresses.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
